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[personal profile] perseph2hades
*falls to knees*

Oh God, it’s coming.

In 1998, graphic novelist Frank Miller came to the realization that there was not enough male nakedness, hotness, potential group sex, roaring and grunting, and all round panty-melting badassness in the world. He set about correcting that, by creating the graphic novel 300.

Seven years later, through divine providence, filmmaker Zack Snyder come to the same god-fearing conclusion. Only needing to cast about briefly, he came upon 300. Zack liked what he saw. So braving death by male nipple, loss of all sanity on the set of a Hollywood production not aided by the use of narcotics, he set about to make a groundbreaking film.

Fans freaked. But pretended not to. As, for years there had been much flailing over the jaw dropping graphic novel, and the thought of bastard Hollywood getting their hands on it was a little too much for most to bear.

However, this was Zack Snyder. Who with fifteen minutes of originality from Dawn of the Dead had achieved a holy-shit factor that had gifted him years of fannish good will. Yet on the other, this was 300, the mother of holy-shits.

Still support was given. Because, really, are we not fans. Is that not what we do.

The movie got made. We hoped and prayed.

And what resulted?


Don’t think about Gerard Butler taking anyone from behind.

It’s the story of the Battle of Thermopylae, of the 300 Spartans and their allies who passed into legend by holding off the Persian army of Xerxes, king of the fucking universe. Miller knew more than most what makes superheroes capture our imagination so, and for the man who gave Batman back his darkness it was a match made in heaven. He gave us Spartans as they live in our imaginations. Stripped down to their essence, pounding with passion. The only people I pity are the fanboys who do not know from whence their erections came. (This by default excludes individuals such as [ profile] irmk2003.)

See some of what’s been slaying ‘em.

Of the ancient Greek culture of manlove I’ll not say much, except that the Spartans were circumspect about it. Which brings up visions of hot young Spartan warrior boys driving their instructors to near madness with their limber forms and razor sharp skills. The rest is up to you.

Now close your legs and meet the cast.

King Gerard [Butler] as King Leonidas

Do I have to say anything, or can I just do dirty things to his arms?

Lena Headey as Queen Gorgo

Whom I hope-hope-hope becomes the next Angelina Jolie because I love her. She’s normal and down to earth and hardworking and so ready for her big break. And look at that body. Like a modern dancer.

David Wenham as Dilios


Dominic West as Theron

Hello. This is my boyfriend from The Wire. He teases me into a frenzy on his HBO show with his antihero-ness and his drinking and his little boy vulnerability and his mind-breaking fucking. *grits teeth* One of these days, West, one of these days.

Michael Fassbender as Stelios (much thanks to [ profile] fassbenderfans for the photo)

Where are my fellow Band of Brothers slashers? Sgt. Christenson, anyone? We get to see his nipples? *stares* And you see him up above mouthing off to the Persian emissary? (“Then we’ll fight in the shade.”) Uhmm…

Tom Wisdom as Astinos

People. Public service announcement: If you have any idea where to find images of this British pup, please spam my LJ. And my questions include whether or not he is friends with Sean Bean. *sweats and dies a terrible death*

Vincent Regan as Captain

Do you remember wetting your panties in Troy every time he looked at Achilles with those blue, blue eyes? Well, he’s got the angsts for someone in this movie. If you scroll up, you see him wailing over something while the other Spartan hotties hold him back. *counts remaining lives*

Andrew Pleavin as Daxos

I don’t know him too well, but he was in that horrifying TV version of Attila with Gerard Butler as Attila (which I own, thanks), so I imagine their manly on-set reunion was pervy and worth staring at.

And last, but not least, Rodrigo Santoro as Xerxes.

Hotness? Almost no comparison. When he turns it on (as they have not yet permitted him to do on Lost), you succumb to hysterical blindness. And his might be the best role on the nakedness scale since on top of getting to see his mouthwatering body naked, we get to see it naked and strapped every which way with gold rings and chains. Just leave the flowers on my doorstep, as I have died.

Snyder admitted himself that he was crazy over the HBO men and went on a casting spree from the network. From the looks of things it also appears he had it bad British men. Therefore observe, fellow pervs, the privileges of being an It Boy director. A real life harem of your own. Call me, Zack. Call me. I want to be your lady pimp.

Finally, one of my personal favorite things: stunt men getting roles. Never really speaking roles, but the roles where they do all the spectacular stuff on screen that stays in your head and makes you whimper because in real life they look like this…

Sweeties in nothing but shin guards and leather jockstraps. And let’s not forget Ryan Watson who opened up the show at the start of the post there. Clearly credited as “Hero Spartan #1” for a very good reason. *slurps*

And then their stunt coordinator looks like this.

Holy.RPS.hell. I shall enjoy making them my concubines.

Note: if the King says “Give them nothing, but take from them everything,” then we presume that in Sparta he who orgasms last, wins.

What time is love? In the US, March 9, 2007. Theatrical trailer: here.

Oh, look. A comm. [ profile] 300slash

ETA: Dial-up sized stills
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